in omnia paratus
'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I — I hardly know, sir, just at present — at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself, you see.'

This is what I deal with every night.

FYI: Matt was one of my best friends who died in November. This is my second terrible dream about him. The last dream was the one were he died again.


I was in a big church at a gathering of some kind and a lot of people we know were there. I don’t  know why we were there. But suddenly I saw Matt there, in the same seat he was in the last  time I saw him there. He didn’t look like a ghost, he looked like he was actually there, but I was  the only one who saw him. I started freaking out and running all over the place and I had to talk  to a nun. Eventually I started crying and yelling at god. (?!) I was like “why are you doing this to  me? What do you want me to do?” I asked him if he wanted me to go talk to Matt’s dad and  decided that’s what I was gonna do. But god said something about me taking care of the  monkey because it needed a home or something. I guess one of our friends had a monkey. But  it ended up being like.. monkey spiders or something that lived on these plants. I think they  were Kelly’s and I couldn’t keep them for some reason so she gave them to Allie to take care of.
So I went to Matt’s house with a bunch of people to talk to his dad and it was totally empty and  his dad was gone. No one knew where he went. We went inside and I think like Matt Carr and  some other random people like that were there. The house kind of turned into a boat and it was  against the side of a huge hill. Me, Jess, Allie, and Kelly were all there but eventually Kelly  disappeared. We were talking a lot about Matt and how I saw him at the church and about old  times and stuff. We all sat down at the kitchen table and I said “this was always my seat”.
Some other things happened that I can’t remember, mostly us just talking. Jess said something  about how she “doesn’t think they’re watching us all the time” (like from heaven or whatever) and  I said “it feels like they are.” Then apparently it was like a month later or something and Jess,  me, and Amanda were living in the house. It was painted differently. The boat was making weird,  loud noises and Amanda, who was actually Allie for a couple minutes, said we have to like clean  the ice off the windows or something. It was really scary. For some reason Allie knew about  boats. So she cleaned off the ice and snow and the noise stopped. Then she was Amanda  again.
I talked about how I had this weird distant memory of sitting at the kitchen table with Matt and  some friends and the boat was moving even though it wasn’t. Like it was traveling somewhere,  but I think we were actually just tripping on something at the time.
Then Jess and I decided to go to the bathroom and the bathroom was really big and had three  stalls in it. And I was like “hey we can all go to the bathroom at the same time!” and then I woke  up.

dreams  sleep  RIP